The Molly Stripe: Choosing to Shine

In 2011 I was finally diagnosed with major depressive disorder and an anxiety disorder. I say finally because the depth of my depression was so unbearable I could barely function. I knew something was wrong but when you’re feeling that hopeless it’s hard to take action.

Have you been there? If you have, you’re not alone. I’m sharing my experience and starting the conversation with you in hopes of healing and growing together. We can lean on each other, listen to each other and support each other. Together we can bring awareness to our need for mental wellness as a society and release the stigma that holds us back from getting the help we need.

This is my story.

I was an active, creative and sensitive kid. I had a happy childhood, but looking back I now understand that I also had anxiety, which at the time wasn’t something typically diagnosed. I’ve learned that trauma can be a trigger for anxiety and depression; when I was 11, my father survived a massive stroke, leaving him without the ability to speak and care for himself independently. As a result, I grew up fast and managed responsibilities and emotions other kids my age didn’t have to.

When I went away to college, I began to break out in hives - when I felt stressed, anxious or lonely it became painful and unmanageable. I undoubtedly went through Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) but never received treatment. When I studied abroad in London, I suffered from multiple anxiety attacks. I didn’t know how to ask for help because I didn’t know what was wrong and I didn’t want to worry my family back home. I just knew that I was not myself and I felt desperately unhappy.

Depression and stress continued to play a major role into the person I was becoming. I gained weight, lost confidence and buried myself in my work. I was able to hide behind my achievements so no one thought anything was wrong with me: I graduated from college with honors and received an award for my senior fashion collection, but the truth was that I was living with crippling depression and anxiety.

After college I was working in NYC, but lost my full-time job due to the recession. Soon after, I started practicing yoga while I lived at home and took care of my dad. The following year I became a hot yoga instructor and the K-DEER brand began to take form. I taught classes in the evenings as I built K-DEER from the ground up. I was in great shape, loved what I was doing and had so much to be grateful for. I was in a good place, but that didn’t mean I was in the clear.

I was a year into growing the K-DEER brand when I was officially diagnosed with depression and anxiety. A combination of stress and uncertainty sparked periods of hopelessness and some days left me feeling unable to function. During this time, I reached out to a psychiatrist and was prescribed an antidepressant. Within weeks, I noticed a positive change in my emotions and behaviors.

Year over year, K-DEER and I have grown and evolved, though at times I feel frustrated. I have so many beautiful things to be excited about and grateful for, yet periodically my depression weighs me down and disconnects me from my success and joy. Somedays I just want to cry. I do my best to manage my depression in ways that I can control by taking my meds, socializing, exercising, eating well, getting enough sleep and practicing mindfulness. But there are days I have to force myself to get up in the morning, make breakfast and go into the office.

It took me a long time to finally get the help I needed. I’m fortunate to have access to the resources and means to take care of myself mentally and emotionally. As a result, I have been seeing a therapist since I was first diagnosed. It’s constant work and I’m proud of the progress I’ve made. I believe therapy is a vital tool for supporting mental wellbeing and hope to destigmatize therapy by talking to others about the positive impacts it’s had on my life.

I want to share my story because I know I’m not alone, but I’ve also been afraid to share for fear of being judged. Through many dips into depressive states, I’ve still managed to run a successful business, hire and develop employees, manage a team and also have a personal life. I’m stronger than I give myself credit for and I’m declaring my strength with the Molly Stripe.

The Molly Stripe is my stripe - my family calls me by this (it’s my middle name) and it’s that secret side of me that I’m ready to share, the Molly side. Molly is loving, compassionate, empathetic and sensitive but stronger than anything she goes up against. She also has depression and anxiety, but it doesn’t define her.

I love how vibrant the Molly Stripe is - bright coral peeks through dark, moody blues. Its contrast of color is my way of saying that we all have a light inside us, no matter your diagnosis or current situation, you can always rekindle the light within and choose to shine.

 XOXO Kristine Molly Deer

A percentage of proceeds from the Molly Stripe are supporting Bring Change to Mind, a non profit organization dedicated to encouraging the dialogue about mental health, and to raising awareness, understanding and empathy. Learn more here: https://bringchange2mind.org